Daily Leader Dilemmas

The Problem at Hand

Recently a leader vented to me about a frustrating virtual team meeting. While she was trying to conduct this important and high-impact meeting, one of the employees had a child crawling all over them the entire time. It was throwing her off and she could see it was distracting others on the call, too.

Anyone else been there? Yes? So what do you do?

If you are like that leader, you probably want to address it so that it doesn't happen in future meetings. And you'd be right.

Before we go any further I'd like to make an editorial comment.

COVID was tough in many, many ways, but it held a few silver linings. To me, the biggest PLUS was showing us all that work/life balance can be reimagined in a variety of ways. One way that stands out is how working parents could flex their time and benefit from new moments with their children during working hours.

I think that's a great change that shouldn't go away. This article isn't meant to suggest otherwise.

And this article is not addressing just children in the workplace. In my experience as a leader it was the most common area of concern, but it's definitely not the only one. We have fur babies, spouses, TV's in the background, people with cameras off.....the list is long. So, I'm using a child in my example but insert any distraction here, this works for all of them.

But all that being said, here's the thing-

Today's executives want to continue to provide flexibility but expect 100% focus when at work. In a virtual setting, seeing distractions on the screen is a no-go. For one thing, you can't help but tell yourself that the parent is not truly present in this meeting. Are they even listening or retaining anything? And also, it's impossible NOT to be distracted yourself. The kid is cute, the antics are interesting, and you don't know what to expect so you keep watching.

So, how do you handle it? Here are my tips.

The LeDev Advice

Here's my formula for you:

First, Check Yourself

There are some questions you need to ask yourself before you decide to address this issue:

Are you sure you aren't over-reacting?

• Everyone gets distracted from time-to-time with personal interruptions at work. Are you sure that this isn't a one-off, special circumstance? If that's the case, allow some grace and understanding. Instead of admonishing them, call them after the meeting and check for situation clarity. Something like "I noticed you were distracted in the meeting. Everything OK? Is there anything you missed that you'd like for me to review with you?" That will help them see that it was noticed without having them feel attacked. Then, watch for repeat instances and address it if it becomes a pattern

Are you addressing one distraction and not others?

• Because you are human, some things will bother you more than others. The kid on the screen may drive you CRAZY but the cat on the laptop doesn't bother you at all. Slippery slope for you as a leader.
• Be careful not to target one type of work distraction. Be sure the other team members aren't exhibiting the same things in other ways. If you have a lot of that going on, targeting the one infraction and not the others will cost you credibility with that team member and cause confusion across the entire team because you are addressing issues inconsistently. What you are wanting to address is maintaing focus in the meeting, not just one specific behavior. In other words, if you are going to address one, address them all.

Does your culture support it?

• Although others may agree with you, are you confident that your company culture will support you if you choose to address this? If your answer is "yup, 100%", keep going. If your answer is "hmm, great question", then first run your concern by your leader and your HR representative. Share your proposed approach and specifically ask for support from them before moving forward.

Have you built trust?

• Are you confident that you have built enough trust with that employee to address this? Although this is a rather simple feedback conversation to give, it's not an easy one to receive. You are going to be addressing a work situation that's also a family situation and could be hard for your employee to handle. You need to prepare yourself for some emotions, and only a solid foundation between you two will overcome those and bring you to a good outcome
• If you aren't sure you've built enough trust, run your thoughts by your leader or your HR representative and take their lead. They can give you the support you need to address this in the right way

Next, Prepare Yourself

You will want to think through a couple of things before moving forward:

Pick the Right Setting

• Because you want to anticipate emotions, take time to determine the right time and place.
• Some WRONG times and places would be:
• Before, during or after a different meeting (for example, don't tack it on to a coaching session or after a high-stakes meeting that requires reflection)
• Don't just pop by their desk or via IM and do the "gotta minute?" thing
• Don't tack it on to another conversation they chose to have with you ("thanks for sharing your thoughts on that…that reminds me of something I wanted to share")
• The best solution would be to set a separate time to meet for shortly after the incident.

Prep your script

• Don't wing this one because you want the right message to be received
• Anticipate responses and be ready
• Pro-tip: write your recap as a "pre-cap" - it's a great way to get your thoughts out on paper, gives you a script, and makes the written recap afterwards much easier

Now You are There - Let's Address It

For this conversation, you can use a fairly simple feedback method because the message isn't complex.

BUT, you want to be very careful HOW you deliver it. Your goal is to be DIRECT and also KIND. Show respect for their situation, demonstrate that you trust them, and make sure you address the IMPACT and not the INTENT.

Here's a feedback model you can use. I wrote this out in short-hand but I don't suggest you add too much to this script so that you don't stray from the main message

• Ask for permission: I have some feedback I'd like to give you. Are you available now for me to share?
• State the facts: Earlier today during our Zoom meeting, I noticed your son was on your lap during most of the meeting (provide a few other details if you have them. For example, if you saw them speaking to each other or other such distractions)
• Describe the impact: I observed several other team members watching your son rather than paying attention to the meeting. Also, at times it seemed as though you were distracted and not fully present. As you know, pulling a group of people away from their desks to meet is not easy, so it's important that our meetings provide value for maximum impact on our business results. For those reasons I'm asking for you to ensure your child is not present during our meetings
• Acknowledge them: I know you care about our team and what you do here at XYZ company, and believe you always mean well. I also understand that juggling work and family can be difficult at times. What are your thoughts?

Framing it this way helps them understand the significance of the situation and allows them a safe space to respond. It's the best way to ensure a win-win.

And Finally, Prepare for the Reaction

The Ideal Reaction

• Hopefully, they will show understanding that being fully present in a business meeting is important and will make a commitment to address the situation.
• At which point, you can close out the topic by thanking them for being so open to feedback and for their willingness to adapt. And Voila! Your work is (almost) done.

Not Ideal but Workable

• What if they become highly emotional? First of all, showing emotion to the feedback is NOT necessarily reacting poorly. They may need time to share feelings of frustration, stress or even desperation about their situation.
• If that's the case, my advice is to give them the safe space to share. Stay quiet and let them talk for as long as they need. Listen for where they end up - they may still commit to ensuring it doesn't happen again.
• In that case, acknowledge their situation, thank them for being open to feedback and for their willingness to adapt.


• It's also not a poor reaction if they acknowledge that they understand the feedback and then openly share with you that they don't have a solution.
• In this case, you are going to want to plainly state in a DIRECT and KIND way that while you empathize and you are willing to support them in their journey, they still are going to need to make adjustments. Then you will have to lead a conversation that focuses on short-term solutions.
• What's important here is not to give in or change your ask. You believe in the value of your decision to address this and need to see it through. If you reach an impasse here, the next step will be to bring in your leader or HR for assistance because you will need to either make an acceptable accommodation or you will need support to hold the line.

Not Ideal Reaction

A poor reaction in this case would be if they show signs that they don't acknowledge the problem.

• They don't agree with you that others were distracted or deny being distracted themselves
• They claim it happens "all the time" with other parents, or point out other examples of people distracted (on their phones, etc.)

If this happens, the conversation has escalated and will need more time.

• My advice is to let them share what they want to share, acknowledge understanding of what they are saying (that doesn't mean AGREE with them, it means you HEAR them), and share that any other situations being brought up have either already been addressed or are being addressed. Then calmly restate your ask. As stated above, you believe in the value of your decision to address this and need to see it through
• Keep the tone DIRECT and KIND
• End the meeting with something like this : "I understand this is tough to hear and acknowledge that the ask will impact you. Let's adjourn here and I'll give you some time to think about it. How about if we circle back tomorrow to finish the conversation?"

Sometimes the first reaction is not the final one, so giving them time to reflect and calm their emotions may be all that's needed for the conversation to end the right way.

If the next day the reaction is still the same, then you may have someone who is not coachable and you will need to move into a different type of coaching conversation. My advice is to bring your leader or HR in for help at this point.

Don't Close the Chapter Yet - Update Your Leader and Document

I know you are busy, but don't skip these steps!

Update your leader: provide your leader details of the conversation and of the commitments made. For one thing, your leader should know that you took the courageous steps to address a situation that wasn't necessarily fun or easy. Secondly, you want your leader to support you if there's no follow through from the employee.

Write a recap: Be sure to write out a recap to the employee. So many leaders skip this step and it's a BIG mistake.

Three goals here:

• You want to ensure that everything you stated was clearly understood. Reiterating it in writing will ensure it and avoid any "he said, she said" scenarios later on
• Writing a recap sends a message to the employee that you are serious about the ask
• If the behavior continues, you are able to escalate this to your leader or HR

So next time you see a distraction, pull this article out, have a read, prep yourself, and go be a leader!